Archive for December 13th, 2009

When we judge, we compare something new with something old, something that has the potential to teach us new and exciting lessons, with something we already know or have experienced in the past.

Naturally, this is hardly fair. Even though there are many parallels in how our lives unfold, everybody has a different story that makes him or her unique and special. Most of my Veterans resent being compared to others, and even more, having their experience of war compared to other traumatic experiences that can happen in someone’s life. The trauma of war doesn’t translate into the civilian world. It is in many ways unique and can only be truly understood by other Veterans, those who have been there, who share the experiences, the sounds, feelings and memories.

A non-military person will never truly understand and be able to relate the way a Veteran can.

In my work, I have learned that Veterans don’t compare scars.

One doesn’t listen to another’s story, only to compare it with others and then decide which one is the worst. Instead, one listens with compassion, and gives respect, support and validation and confirmation of what happened. I don’t know if this mindset is true for everybody, but it is true for those I have been working with.

I see great value in this approach. Honoring each other for our lives, our stories, our successes and our trauma is most likely one of the most healing things we can ever do for each other.

Giving and receiving have to be in harmony. As much as helping others is our human responsibility, being helped and supported by others is the other task. Only if we master both skills can we live in harmony.

Of course, there are situations where we cannot give back to the same person we received from. so we give to someone else who needs what we have to offer.

In Bob’s case, it was not just the outpouring of support that allowed him to make this great life change, it was his courage to take a quantum leap and accept help.

That is why I, and so many others are proud of him and honored to be allowed to give support: His courage makes him a role model for so many veterans who are right now suffering from the consequences of PTSD, and find it impossible so stand by their situation and reach out.

I always try to explain: You didn’t get into this situation by yourself. There are reasons why things happened the way they did, that were beyond you, that you couldn’t influence. Many of those happened in childhood, in the early years, in school, in conflicts with parents and peers. Difficult and traumatic things happened to most of the Veterans I have been working with, and they set the framework for how life unfolds. These reasons and circumstances usually go much deeper than what most are aware of and willing to admit.

It is in the context of life, what we know and believe, what we have been taught and what our social and other circumstances allow for us to do, that trauma happens. And even though we are responsible for our actions, we still don’t always have the power to change what we don’t like, to do or see what is right and to act the way we would like to act.

And it is in this context, that we deserve forgiveness, even by ourselves.

As EFT practitioner, I always explain that I don’t judge, condone or excuse what happened.  Instead, my sole mission is to help heal what happened.

Once we accept help, we learn that true forgiveness is possible and that the consequence of forgiveness is always more freedom and peace. 

I just talked with Bob again: He made it! Due to your generosity and his courage to accept help when he needed it, a skill he had to  work hard to achieve, he was able to relocate close to his daughters location, find an apartment with a great landlord and was offered a position in a nursing home close by.

Everything has changed for him, due to his courage to accept that sometimes we are on the giving end, sometimes we need to receive.

For  Bob, this was a first. Bob is someone who would always help others with no hesitation, who is proud of his independence and resourcefulness and his ability to make it through even with little or no money. Bob is used to life not being easy, and is not afraid of dealing with the consequences of tough circumstances.

But this situation was different. He realized that he needed to tap on accepting help. And he struggled with that. This was probably one of  the hardest things he ever had to do in his life. Accepting help was extremely difficult for him.

I think that most people struggle with this on occasion. I certainly have my share of resistance to accepting help, and have to tap on this rather frequently.

But I had to realize that giving and receiving must go together to create balance. We can’t just give without receiving. If we do, we create just as much imbalance as if we always took without giving. Giving and receiving must go together and both are important for a happy and  successful life.

Bob is interested in hearing from you. If you would like to connect with him, please email me and I will give you his phone number.